Casting off the caustic

the dire influence
it comes along with darkness
this chain protects me

slowly working this out in my head. if i can stay distracted long enough to finish this. music helps. Mad Child EP. one song down.

im not sure what to do anymore. hes not throwing up so far. thats good. an improvement. but he’s not eating either. only 2 cups and third can of wet food would have served as snack fodder a few years ago. when he came to live in his forever home - he used to eat with the vigor of a starving man freshly rescued. every night.

now, its a struggle for him to even get his medication. ive tried hiding in treats, just mixed in… no luck. i need to try to keep focused on this puzzle. get him to eat somehow. if i have to get him better quality protien. it’ll be a while before i can do that.

i’m tired looking at the screen, wondering what it is im supposed to do now. i don’t think anyone would know. so there’s no one who can pass along the secret im missing. in order to make certain i stay focused, i put a reminder on myself. in this case… a less permanent reminder.

my neck is the most recent place i’ve begun tattooing myself - as if its difficult to miss that point. ha. no real reason to actually cover that… i suppose. but along with that art - i’ve wrapped myself in steel. heavy enough to keep the weight of situation in the forefront of my conscious.

i hear it clang. the noise is another reminder. keep one eye on how to help him. the work has to take a back seat. i’m just not that confident i can do that. 

what am i going to do when he’s gone?

breathe. just need to remember to breathe. then… its not so bad. and im slowly learning to live on less. get by on a daily. priorities is key.

food for him. food for me. work.

tonight ill take him go the store to buy more food. maybe a walk in the park first. stop and buy cheap beer. straubs maybe. ive still got one dinner of pizza left. then grapes later. its a plan. for now.

i can admit i find comfort in having a plan. no longer concerned whether or not its perfect. and i like knowing those things, in detail. i am ok with the fact that ive made a plan. its open enough to be flexible but im also not wandering around… doing nothing. all night.

also, try to keep an eye on how much the dog drinks. keep him calm. hopefully he’ll keep two meals down. in a row. so i focus on that. thinking feverishly on this puzzle. this question… so i don’t stop and remember how horrible this feels. its not about me - its all about him.

from the leak has sprung,
tears squeezed from eyes clinched. my own.
something in him knows.

let me set the table. wont take long i promise. my dog has cancer. 

sorry. not going to try to elaborate on all that in some poetic fashion. so i feel like i put some effort into…

##########

and that’s where I stopped. a few hours ago. not terribly long by any means. i didn’t continue. not a conscious decision by any means. just got distracted. probably.

i do remember thinking that i would finish it in the morning. but i now can remember i never do. its the story of my life i suppose. many can confirm it. but that didn’t happen this time. but its not like i had a choice, i suppose.

a few seconds ago, the lights go out. and my mind can not think of anything else. the silence comes. i try to listen for his breath. to hear it. desperately not wanting to sound like me after a bad run. He’s asleep. o. u. t.

at some point, later, his legs will kick. not always at night, but definitely in the afternoon. in any event, i like to think he’s chasing his one true and evil arch-nemesis…

Hedgee.

Hedgee. used to live under the stairs at my dog’s other home. Sometimes seeing hedgee in his yard,the dog would dash up the steps. taking two or three at a time… with ease. every bit the athlete. sloopy flopy lips flapping like few other athletes. the dog once even managing to catch his foe unawares and closed the gap. the result? he stood there, looked down. and waited. hedgee protested. the dog leaped back. head down? ass up. his tail wagging. its a game. the dog is waiting for hedgee to move. i used to love watching him do that.

now i worry about his gait when we walk.

and i just shut down the laptop.

it comes. (and i know when im done. I’ll shut off. reflect. deflect. introspect. eyes will be come… wet. and ill regret. the alone the hollow set i profess) but…

soon ill quiet myself and the inevitable comes. the quiet mind opening up. and…

eyes rot… yet
focus regained
on the one… who’s in pain.
its not hard to explain
how i would…
wish i could
but can not.
not…
not
but i do fret a lot.

can’t help
but obtain
such deep seed distain
for the pains he sustains
with each waking days…

days

days.
turn to night
nights to day
either ways
i remains
all isays… is oks
is it oks?

baby, please let me be oks….

*2:02am post