sitting in the Loft
sitting here, in one of my usual spots. i see an ad for the Pirates June 1 game - special guest, Kool and the Gang. *sigh* a long time ago, my late brother took his little brother to a baseball game. his little brother was just 10 and into way too much funk for the average rural kid might be… i remember little from that night - but it was the first time id ever seen a live band....
scared hurt disappointed ashamed hopeless lost betrayed . . . lost
when i close my eyes, i don’t see pure blackness. there’s a soft green glow that forms random shapes. taking the easy form of what im feverishly puzzling over. the work. the idea. i try to quiet the thoughtsn hoping to see more black and less light. its through this dim grey that the light from my phone shines - silently signaling. i reach for it. as i turn my weight to the side, heaving old...
i feel so empty am i guilty of something of what, i know not.
not now... please!
today - my life got quiet. i cant even find the words. i don’t know what to do next. i can barely stay in my seat - i want to run away. away from the pain. away from the loss - away from the memory of you. every word i read that you write - makes me love you more with each letter. now i don’t know what to do. i look at your writing everyday - waiting for the next story. but the last...
she didnt know
(truth - i do smoke pot. i love my drink and its not a state secret that the sum effects of these and other vices as done its damage on my memory) The weeks had begun to roll by as the hours piled up. i was working 75-80 hours a week trying to get as much work done as possible. the grist for the mill in an industry that bills itself by the hour. squeeze out as many hours as you can from the...
A Well-Worn Story: Different, but the same →
awellwornstory: H and I fight sometimes. We don’t intend to, but it ends up happening anyway. We’re not really ever fighting about the thing we say we’re fighting about. Most of the arguing boils down to the fact that we cannot see each other at will. Spontaneity is not part of our relationship equation…. a full year difference the ground gained offers new hope for the happy two
how can i explain
you imagine me being capable of being something that…. quite frankly is so far the reality of every day that… for comic effect, i try and fail to even see a time… or a place where I get to live what you expect i need. it seems like nothing but a script. a story of a movie unfolding. but the truth. how painfully tight the box i live in. you have sat. laid with me. no one else. i can’t talk to...
sure what else can go wrong
so let’s see… dying pet - awesome! marriage ending - way to go! career stalled and faltering - YAY! health … declining! yes! so hurah! this is truly an awesome feat to tackle all three things AT ONCE! the courage (lacking), the dare (no choice) … let’s SEE IF HE CAN DO IT!!!
I’ve been lying awake at night I’ve been hoping that I’m alright I’ve been winding myself too tight Wondering if i will sleep tonight Never thought things would get like this Always hoping that they’d work out Still ingesting the wrong amount Now I seem to be filled with doubt I cannot stop this ride I’m growing cold inside I shouldn’t let it...
i’m done. i’m done trying. i’m done putting in the effort - effort that doesn’t count for anything at the end of the day. it’s ignored so why keep repeating the same behavior and expect any different outcome…? I can’t. not anymore. maybe this isn’t the right place for me anymore. maybe this isn’t even the right city. i’m not sure how -...
i’m done. its not worth worrying about anymore. forget it. nothing is going to change. nothing is going to improve. escape is impossible. fuck em all. fuck all of you. (and you wonder why i seem bitter…)
its really just you listening anyway...
*exhale* what exactly am i supposed to say, that will make you think that i’ve gone away. when all that i have really said is nothing. just a vapor trail. i’ve sat here silent and thought of you. and wondered sometime… if i was right for you. but in all this time i’ve come know one thing that your love for me is not something i question or squander - because i know its...
Is there something wrong with me...
“that site is hard to mind what your looking for…” That’s what you see the second your eyes focus. What the hell am i typing. That’s what you think when you suddenly find yourself having to shake off something… It happens in an instant and then i read it, The above manages to communicate what it was that i was trying to say to a coworker on an everyday...
heres the question
do i deserve to be happy? …thats what HE keeps asking me. i’m never sure if if its a question or a challenge? sometimes its plain enough of a question - that I give myself a pause - and ask… is it? but other times - it gets to be an answer i cant give. i dont know.
Assholes: A theory →
nevver: The asshole: allows himself to enjoy special advantages and does so systematically; does this out of an entrenched sense of entitlement; and is immunized by his sense of entitlement against the complaints of other people Aaron James i knew it. thats me. i’ve been starting to wonder if it really was me. maybe it is.
interior: kitchen, small. clean - but an old battered door is covered with cardboard and ducktape. counters are spotless. a man enters, slightly stumbling. dressed in a flannel and sweatpants, he drinks from a large mason jar. pauses in the entry way “damn, i think im going to marry her” he walks to the refrigerator. opens it up and reaches in to retrieve the growler of locally...
when the light returns i struggle to keep hold of that which is me
i read the words and struggle to see the man you see me to be
breathe. close your eyes. push the pain and sadness down. do it. now. you can not let these people see you cry. they can not know the tiny human inside the giant man.
Hell Of a Year
It’s been a hell of a year, but I’m mentally prepared To do a dance around the next couple medical scares I’m Fred Astaire with the metal wearing quickly off my tap shoes So I step quietly, the way that cat’s move But I’m bear-like. My head trapped in dear lights You can call me John, I’m writing letters to the dark side of the moon tonight My lovely Jane,...
take all your pills. good boy
this pain. i endure. i deserve.
You don’t understand me and you probably never will. Got a tendency to self destruct and a soft spot for the filth. A hair trigger temperament, a switchblade for a tongue. Walking one man genocide. Black belt in corrupt. Everything I touch turns to ashes - falls away, falls away. Everything I touch turns to ashes; slips right through my hands. Love me, hate me, isolate me - everyday that...
sometimes. you are the only piece of humanity. i have left.
ninety one days. thats all thats left. tomorrow i serve. then wait. 3 months pass and then its like it never happened. but it did. time passed. wasted years. spilled tears. and in the midst of it all. calm.
To The Pain
Take me to the pain, and all the way back again. Taking me to the pain, and all the way back. Life sums up in three words, better than average. It never comes easy. It’s a savage world. With damage attached, and doses of happiness, in between if you can survive the rest. The lies that consume you. Pain. The pain shows you the way. The feeling kills inside you. Pain. But I stay...
the beginning of the end
ok- i guess i’ve procrastinated enough. I guess I have to file the papers eventually - why not today.
looking down at a single piece of paper… i see the finality of it. the condemnation of an effort in which i failed. nothing more to be done about it. it is what it is. Another failure.
Even with a diagram of my DNA I leave scientists baffled ‘til the end of the day they try to pick apart my lifestyle how I survive making money for the boss while I make nickel and dime, being on time, taking a punch and doing my best not ever hearing good job and staying upset it doesn’t take to much to find the sediments they left behind. Put down the books put up the walls...
let me see if i understand this correctly....
i take a week off for vacation when there is NOTHING to do. i come back and you still don’t have anything for me to do… for TWO MORE weeks. but I’m making this department look bad because i’m watching movies? EVEN THOUGH I DON’T HAVE A SINGLE THING TO DO?! are you serious?
i said it. i meant it too.
im somewhat surprised, even by my own measure. but yes, sometimes I do think about it. and i hate the way i feel. like it’s too late for me.
five days. five days of sitting at my desk with absolutely nothing to do. and this comes after a week off on vacation. i would have thought that SOMETHING would have been lined up. but no. I FUCKING HATE MY JOB! (this is the only place i can write that.)
i can remember
i can remember always fantasizing. dreaming about being somewhere else. someone else. it seems to be the one thread that is woven throughout all my childhood memories. i dont remember a time when i didnt want to be somewhere else. someone else.
just so fed up with everyone around me no one seems to care i’m just so far gone and nothing’s gonna change i’ll never be the same it’s always do this, do that, everything they want to i don’t wanna live that way every chance they get they’re always pushing me away it’s never enough, no, it’s never enough no matter what I say it’s never enough, no it’s never enough i’ll never be what...
it just kept spilling out of me
i dont know why. and i’m not too terribly worried either. but i was… surprised. suddenly, i feel compelled to tell you. over and over. to make certain you knew. it was unfamiliar to me. not unwelcomed. i just kept asking myself…. “so this is what love really feels like?”
i fear that at some point, someone will do something that gives you concern. if you ask yourself, you know what im referring to… and i know we’ll talk it out, and everything will be fine. but the worry and pain it cause you - even temporarily… breaks my heart to imagine. inside, i can feel my heart contract.
if you ever asked me about the future, i think the answer might surprise you. we go out. as a family. it feels like that. it feels like i’m normal. we feel normal. that is so different an experience that it is … hard to describe. i do things that surprise even me. i don’t let you see. i control my face. my posture. i don’t want to get too ahead of myself. there is a lot...
for once, life is good.– Jackie
oh by the way...
im right here. ill be watching ill be waiting